Killing Me Softly
by RabbitBunnySheep
Summary: "You said her name. All these years Mark, and you've never said her name since the day she was buried." It's been fifteen years since Lexie was lost in that forest. Finally, after fifteen years Mark lets himself fall apart.


**A/N Okay, I have only just discovered the amazingness of Slexie fan fiction! I felt compelled to put this up. It's been on my computer for a couple of weeks, without an ending and now it has one. You know, this came to me in a dream. I am not American so I am sorry it I haven't American-ised some words, sorry. Hope you like.**

Mark was so engrossed in his phone he nearly didn't realise she was standing in front of him; nearly but not quite. He wasn't surprised when she spoke. "Thanks…um…for today. For letting me…um…" She trailed off. Mark looked up from his phone and then replied.

"You did a good job in there." He said, looking back down at his glowing phone.

"Thanks." She told him. He slipped his phone into his pocket and moved from his place leaning on the wall, to face her.

"You okay?" He asked, genuinely interested in the answer. He saw her eyes flick close for a second before she spoke again.

"I love you." She said, but evidently she hadn't meant to say the words out loud. Mark had to stop his mouth falling open in shock. "Oh, god, oh my god." She then said something that Mark didn't quite catch. Her hands where in front of her in a defensive gesture. "That just came flying out of my face, some kind of… I…I…love you. I just…" Her hands fall from in front of her and she slightly turned away and made a noise that he didn't catch and turned back to face him.

Her hands flew out in a questioning gesture. "There I did it again. I…I…I…I love you. I do, I just…I love you and I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying so hard to mash it down and ignore it and not say it and…" She pointed to her left and Mark eyes followed her hand. "Jackson is a great guy. He is…he is gorgeous an…and he's younger than you and he doesn't have any grandkids or babies with his lesbian bff and he's an Avery and…and he likes me." She paused, slightly. "You know? He really likes me but it was never going to work out because I…I love _you_." She said, gesturing at him.

"I am so in love with you an…and…and you're in me…you're like a disease. It's like I am _infected_ by Mark Sloan." She said, pointing with both her index fingers at him, before laughing. "An…and I can't think about anything or anybody and I can't sleep." Her voice went quieter with the amount of pent up emotion that was flowing through her words. "I can't breathe and I can't eat and I love you. I love you all the time, every minute of every day." She paused slightly. "An…and…I…I…I love…you." She paused, again. "God, it feels good just to say that. I feel so much better. I love you." She stopped. Mark breathed in. She turned her head to one side and spoke again. "Mark?" Mark could hear question in her tone.

He took a step forward, closing the gap between them. "Mark?" She said again. He reached out and put his hand on her cheek. He then leant in and kissed her, capturing her lips with his own. It felt so good and so right after all this time. He took his lips off hers and stood back, admiring her beauty, with his hand still on her cheek. "Mark?" Her lips didn't move and this time Mark recognised the tone of Callie Torres. He looked up but he couldn't see Callie. So how could he hear her? During the brief time Mark was searching the immediate area for Callie, Lexie had turned and walked away. Mark realised this when his hand was hovering in mid-air. "Lexie, Lex come back! Lexie!" He shouted. He shouted until his voice was hoarse, then the memories came flooding back and then everything faded to black.

He snapped his eyes open. Callie was hovering over him, her hand outstretched. She was obviously just about to shake him awake. "Mark?" She sounded just as she had in his dream. He rolled over, away from Callie, in his bed and buried his face in his pillow, trying to stop the tears that where threatening to fall. It had been a dream. "You said her name." Callie stated and there was a note of shock in her voice as well. "All these years Mark, and you've never said her name since the day she was buried." Callie straightened up and continued to look at him. "Mark, tell me, what where you dreaming about?" Callie asked. Mark removed his face from the pillow and turned to face Callie. His eyes were red and there were tears slipping down his face.

"I think we both know the answer to that question." That would have sounded cocky coming from his on another day but he just hadn't got the strength, instead his voice was small and croaky.

"Yes, Mark, but I want you to say it." Callie had been shaken by the fact that Mark was crying. Before the accident she had hardly ever seen him cry, but he had changed that day. A part of him had died out there in the forest with her, the part that had held him together.

"I...I…I dreamt about _her_." Mark said, stumbling over his words like Lexie had done that day. "I dreamt about her telling me she loved me." His voice was shaking like mad. "I dreamt about Lexie." His voice was so quiet, Callie almost didn't hear it. His voice broke on her name. Callie looked at him.

"Mark, time to get up." Her voice was soft. She turned and left the room. Mark snapped his eyes closed the moment Callie left the room. Her face was imprinted on his eyelids. _Oh god, I can't deal with real life today, why can't I stay dreaming, stay with her?_ Mark thought, before rolling, softly, out of bed. He pulled some clothes from the cupboard in his room. He now shared a house with Callie, Arizona and Sofia. In the weeks after Lexie's death, Mark had confined himself to his flat and stayed there, and only left to go to work. After a while Callie had dragged him from the pit it had become and into her house, and so it had stayed. Mark didn't complain, it had been driving him crazy. Everywhere in that flat had reminded him of Lexie. And that hurt.

He walked the short distance to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. He then shaved and left the bathroom. He walked cautiously downstairs. It was his day off. The once in a blue moon day, that he had looked forward to when Lexie was still alive, but know she wasn't he had nothing to do except mope around a bit. Arizona was working a night shift, if he remembered correctly. A sixteen year old girl was perched on the sofa, watching the T.V. Sofia looked just like Callie, but with features from Mark as well. On good days Mark would be the best dad in the world, do stuff with her and help her, but on the bad days- normally when he was really missing Lexie – he tried his uttermost to avoid her. He knew it wasn't fair on her but on his bad days he blamed Sofia for ruining thing between him and Lexie because he needed someone else to blame other than himself.

"Hi, Sofia." He muttered. She heard him.

"Hi, Dad." She replied. She could always tell if it was going to be a bad day or a good one. "How are you this morning?" She politely.

"Fine." He snapped. Sofia shook her head; this was going to be a bad day. "Shouldn't you be at school?" He snapped again.

"I'm giving her a lift, and don't talk to her like that, no matter how bad your night was." Callie told him, whilst breezing into the room. "Come on, 'fia, say bye to Dad." Sofia said goodbye and left the room, as Callie death stared him. She brushed passed him, leaning down to pick up her bag, which was on the floor.

"You don't know how bad." He muttered into to her ear. Callie turned to look at him; most likely to tell him to shut up, but then she saw Mark's eyes.

"Mark I'm-" Callie started but Mark cut her off.

"I know. It doesn't help, you know, being sorry for me. You haven't gone through what I have. You haven't los…" He choked on the last word, tears sliding down his cheeks. His eyes are hollow and empty and what Callie didn't know is that they'd been like that since the day she went.

Sofia ambled back into the room just as he collapsed to the floor, sobs wracking his body. "Fifteen years, Cal. Fifteen today." He managed to say through the sobs. "Fifteen long years."

Callie looked down at him. "Today?" She flicked her eyes to the calendar on the wall. Today it is. Mark nodded. Callie was surprised at how easily he had gone to pieces today, now she has an answer. She had forgotten. Usually Mark didn't bring this particular subject up. In all the years since, this morning was the first time she had been mention under this roof.

"What was fifteen years ago today?" Sofia asked, from the doorway. Both Callie and Mark turn to look at her.

"Time to go!" Callie announced with fake enthusiasm. Mark made a grunting noise and Callie looked down at him.

"Tell her." His voice was gruff but Callie could tell that he wanted her to know. "I…" He breaks down in more tears. "I can't." He smuggled the words through the tears.

"Mark, you have to. I can't do it justice and I don't know half of it." Callie told him. Mark shook his head.

"I can't." Mark said, weakly.

"Of course you can, Mark. Do her proud." Callie told him. Mark silently dragged his body into a sitting position.

"Have you ever wondered why I'm never happy?" Mark asked Sofia, his voice wavering. "'Cause I never am, not really. Do you ever wonder?" Mark questioned. Sofia just stood there, transfixed at the sight in from of her. "I haven't always been like this. This is just been me for the past fifteen years. I would love for you to meet the old me but I can't. I'm different now." He paused, gauging Sofia's reaction. "You know that Mom and Momi love each other, right?" Mark asked her, and she nodded. "I…there was once a person who…I loved. I…I still do but fifteen years ago today….I lo…" A sob escaped him. "I lost her." Sofia looked at him, not quite understanding what he meant by 'lost'. "You know Auntie Meredith?" Sofia nodded. "Her sister. I love her sister." Mark told her, his voice a shattered whisper.

"What do you mean, 'lost'?" Sofia asked. Mark raised his eye line and stared her in the eye.

"She d…d…d…she died." He stuttered out. "I should have saved her!" He shouted. "I couldn't even do that." Mark said his tone quieting. "I couldn't save her." He replied. "Plane crash."

Sofia kept looking at him, the enigma that was her father finally making sense. "Were you together, married, or anything. Did she love you?" Sofia asked and looked at him whilst her processed her question.

"Oh she loved me alright. Too much if you ask me." Mark said, his voice a wistful whisper.

"Never say that. She could never have loved you too much, because it's not possible. She loved you just as much as you love her." Callie berated him. Mark pulled his weary body from the ground where he had collapsed.

"My bad days, Sofia, are when I miss her. Don't blame yourself. Sometimes I can't look at anyone with my brain blaming them for how me and Lexie turned out. We weren't together when she…got lost. I had a girlfriend." Mark said, in an almost detached tone.

"So, dad, do you ever blame me?" Sofia asked and Callie shot her a worried glance. Mark didn't speak.

"Oh god you don't do you?" Callie exclaimed after Mark didn't speak.

"I try…not to, Callie. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can't look at her with wondering what if? What if she hadn't been born? Where would me and Lexie be now? Happy? Would I be happy?" He paused, trying to gauge how horrified Callie was that he blamed their daughter for him messing up with Lexie. "I need someone else to blame, Callie. I can't go on another day if just blame myself, 'cause then it's all my fault. If I hadn't done this or that then…" His voice was swallowed up by his sobs.

"I can't go on anymore, Callie. I'm only here so Sofia could get to know her dad. 'Cause if I'm brutality honest with you, Callie, if Sofia wasn't here I would have died out there with her. I would have joined her. I would never have had to leave her again. Sofia is amazing and brilliant and a great daughter but, don't take this the wrong way, she is the only reason I'm still here." Mark told her. Callie's eyes were sparkling with tears.

"I've never heard you be so emotional, and I've known you god knows how many years. I don't blame you for wanting to die out there, but I'm glad Sofia got to know you. We better be getting to school, shouldn't, we be little one?" Callie rose from the sofa and took Sofia's hand, as they left the room. Sofia struggled to take in all the sudden information she'd leant about her father, who she knew as a very private person and now she knew why.

Mark was left collapsed on the floor, alone with his memories for another day. Today he had nothing to distract him, and for once he cursed having a day off. He lay back and imagined her face in his mind's eye. She was so beautiful. A few words floated in to his head.

**You are the one who put me back together**.

The words on her gravestone. The tears started falling again.

**And voila, here it is. Hope you like it. It will make my day if you review. But hey it doesn't matter that much. **


End file.
